Do I even love you anymore? All I can think of at this moment is every way in which you are not right for me. Is that constructed though, too? Like your feelings? Am I constructing anti-feelings? Am I building the place inside me where I can effectively destroy this? If I am, and if I do, is there even anyone else out there? There has to be. There is. I am 25 years old. I haven't even begun to know. Stop fighting stop fighting stop fighting. Stop fighting. Stop fighting. Stop fighting. Stop typing.I did it. I did that thing. I built the place inside me where I effectively destroyed my own past, my own feelings, my entire relationship. I had to. I didn't realize until I re-read this that I'd been conscious of this attempt as I was doing it. It didn't feel conscious. I guess I am more productive, or at least more aware than I usually give myself credit for. Sometimes I need to write a thing down to make it be true. I wrote this thing to an end. To save myself. And I can bear this new old weight, because I'm better at this than I ever let myself realize.
I am trying with every ounce of strength I have not to become 14 years old again. Because I want to get past 26. I want to find the anyone else who's out there.