Thursday, October 10, 2013

When I'm feeling awful & sad & scared about death & heartbreak & change, my friends seem to always appear so quickly, so stealthily, around me. And I look back on a hard week, a hard month, and realize that I've been carried through by these people. I never even have to ask. Here are things that have appeared in my life lately along with my friends. Gifts and foods and things that act as signposts for me. When I notice enough signposts, I know I am safe, I am supported, and I can move forward more gracefully with less flailing and fussing because I'm surrounded by generosity and compassion.

1. For weeks now, M has been giving me little things after yoga. Through this process and through our Sunday rides home, we are slowly learning more about each other. This week she gave me this flower as we headed out the door. A couple weeks ago, she gave me candy corn after listing like a billion other [more healthy] foods and asking which I wanted. 

2. UB & RoBo are always giving me things because they are practically my parents here in Los Angeles, which I will sometime say more about in another post. But one of the things they gave me is this cup of instant miso soup because RoBo knows I love miso soup and that I am crappy at cooking. I'm eating it right now, on this first chilly day of the season in Los Angeles, and it is more than I could have hoped for. Really. I know it's just instant soup but it is very good instant soup and it makes my insides heated.

3. Tonight I saw the following photo on JP's instagram, and I checked my messages after class, and she'd gotten my favorite musician of all time, the person whose music is home to me, whose music grew me up, whose music helps me remember myself, to leave me a voicemail! I am still completely floored by this. It is one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. I cried when I got the voicemail. I met JP because of Jake. And to me, Jake is the embodiment of generosity. And so I've tried to be generous in this way with my friends, and they've been generous to me, and I feel like Jake just started this chain of generosity. Or maybe it's a circle. It doesn't matter. I have a voicemail from Nathaniel Rateliff on my phone and I am NEVER deleting it. 

4. When I was home, my momma bought me some neon shoes to bike in. So I can be more visible so I can scream I AM NEON PLEASE DON'T RUN OVER ME PLEASE. And then after I got back to LA, these red shoes showed up on my doorstep. And then we had the following conversation. I love my momma. We recently had a bit of a scare with her health, and I can tell you right now I've only felt that level of terror and helplessness once before in my entire life. It might not always seem like it, but I treasure my family. They are where I am from. 

5. The other day, L and I had a work session up at a bakery in Los Feliz and she bought me this lemon tart. Because she is the sweetest and is always trying to buy me tasty things or bring me to tasty places. And more importantly, she listens to all my stories of my broken heart. And is kind. And gives me good advice.

6. This is a two parter. JDR hooked me up with a writing a book review for the journal where she works, and I got to choose the book, so I chose XA's book, because she is brilliant and she is my friend and I miss her and I have been desperately wanting to read this. So X had a review copy sent to my front door here in LA. And the best part is that now I get to read it.

7. My newish photographer friend asked me to be a part of a shoot he's doing for his documentary next month, which is a huge honor because I love his work, and which is exciting because of the nature of the shoot. And I just feel so lucky to live in a place where I get to meet people like this, and to then meet people like this and discover that there are more people like me in the world than I ever let myself realize. 

And of course none of this accounts for the out-of-the-blue facebook messages and emails and surprise sweet texts reminding me that today is a new day, and the late night phone calls that calm my heart enough that I can fall asleep.

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