Thursday, July 18, 2013

These past few months, I've felt like there is so much more space in my heart for everything that's happening in my life. All these friends I've had for years, some of whom I've lost to fights and life, are coming back to me. Or I'm coming back to them. And it's like we never parted. And I'm filled with so much love for them, so much gratitude that time can pass and change nothing between people who are as connected as I am with the people I love. One of these people is J, an old friend from a very different time in my life. One morning a few years ago, J called me and said, I'm moving to Durango and if you ever want to see me again for sure, you should come over here. This was maybe 7am, maybe in 2009. I drove an hour. Helped pack her truck. Sent her off. Saw her once since then in an apartment in Boulder some random afternoon. A lot held me back from visiting her in Durango, but ever since April 13th of this year, I feel free to do the things that have scared me, to reconnect with who and what I've lost. So last Thursday, I got in my car in Littleton and drove 7 hours to Durango in southwestern Colorado. The second J and I saw each other again, I knew not a thing had changed. We spent the next four days doing the things we always do, embracing the people we know we are.
Everywhere I go, everyone is always cooking me breakfast.
Fuck this river and its 4 inches of water.
J's parents' property.
The view I woke up to every morning.
J did our hair and make up for her girlfriend's roller derby game.
Chavez about ready to rock everyone's shit.
Love me because I'm beautiful.
Sad that mountain time continues to be 2 hours behind
eastern time, which means some people go to sleep before me.
I ate all of this. Or maybe I didn't. You'll never know.
Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes the love I feel for people explodes out of me and into the universe around me. And it creates new opportunities for work, for projects, for new friends, for new love. So many days this summer, people from my past have reached out from a void I didn't know existed, so many colleagues and someday colleagues have showed up in my inbox asking for work or for time, and I'm saying yes because how can I not? I always say yes, Ali. That's my problem. But I promised after Jake died that I, too, would always say yes. Saying yes is what's led me to all these incredible new people and places, old people and old places. Can't stop now...

I'm sitting in a coffee shop on South Broadway. It's 11pm. I'm waiting for a show to start at midnight. This weekend is the Denver Post Underground Music Showcase, which is a four day music festival of all my local Denver bands. It's one of my favorite weekends in the entire year. Here are two truths about my summer: It is an epic adventure. It is fucking exhaustingphysically, emotionally, and intellectually. Here's another fact: maintaining all these friendships takes just about everything I've got. It takes time, energy, and sometimes even money because everyone I love is scattershot across the world. None of this comes easy. Most days, instead of waking up at 6am to drive to the airport to go home for my friend's wedding, instead of getting in a car once again to drive another 400 miles, I just want to stay in bed, sleep till noon, eat cereal on my porch, read a book. But if that were always my life, I'd never see anyone. I'd never build and maintain what's most important to me. My summer has taken more energy from me than the entire school year preceding it. It's energy I'm more than willing to give, but what I'm saying is this: I don't want there to be any misconceptions about what I'm doing, how I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. Life is hard fucking work, love is hard fucking work, friendships are hard fucking work. I don't mean interactions are hard work, I just mean the maintenance, putting in the time, the energy, the love, the commitment. I could sleep for 72 hours right now. I won't because my friend just had a baby I've yet to visit and my other friend needs some help managing her new schedule and my other friends... you get the point. What I'm saying is, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, because the return is infinite, unbridled joy.

3 comments:

Monet said...

You are such a beautiful person, and I'm so honored to call you friend. xoxo

skinpoetryphotography said...

Love it. =) You have such a beautiful soul lady.

Ali Rachel Pearl said...

Thanks, beautiful girls <3