You could see a rain cloud hanging over Moab, just south of I-70. The tips of the cloud were red. Either the dust from Moab swirling up into the air, or that same dust reflected in the cloud from down below. Moab is this kind of secret when you're driving through Utah on 70. You wouldn't know it were there if there weren't signs. Nothing suggests the martian landscape that lies only about an hour south of one of Utah's main interstates. But the clouds gave it away this time. The red you see on the horizon in the photos isn't sunset, it's Moab waving hello, beckoning, reminding me it's still there.
This is going to sound weird, but I almost feel reborn in a way after that drive. Like those cleanses that rinse toxins from your body. I feel like I did one of those by driving this route again, from Littleton to Salt Lake City. Like the low flying clouds and the rain pulled everything negative and bad from my body, absorbed those things, and I arrived here new. The perspective shift I hadn't been able to force on myself in the past few months shifted neatly, all on its own, and I suddenly feel like I did when I lived here before. Like this is my life. Like my choices are mine. Like I have control over my perspective. Like things are wonderful and I am safe. I've been so excited to arrive at each place I've gone so far this summer, and I've been sad to leave. I couldn't wait to get back home to Colorado after three and a half months away, and I cried when I had to leave, but I was also looking forward to Salt Lake with such intensity that my departure from Colorado was only half painful. It's going to be the same when I leave here on Friday morning. I am dreading leaving. I have finally found the stability and strength and clarity I need, and I've found it here, for a second time, and I'm worried about leaving this place again. But I cannot wait to get back to Los Angeles, to spend my evenings on rooftops, to spend my afternoons at the beach, to have west side sleep overs, and to be around people who don't make fun of my vegan food eating, yoga doing, spirituality embracing ways. I know I won't want to leave that, either. But I also know I'll be bursting with joy when my plane lands in New York City, the one home I truly let go of, a place I haven't been in over two and a half years.